Sunday, February 10, 2013

It's not you, it's me.

It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear
You almost feel ashamed
That someone could be that important
That without them, you feel like nothing
No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you
And when it's over, and it's gone
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
So that you could have the good. - aggy

Life is so hard that sometimes you don't even know what you wanted most in your life. The other side of you wanted to have a better and promising future and the other half wanted the present. I am the one that could not synchronized those two things. Being me is not easy. I always have that insecurities in life. The downturns are sometimes killing me. Tell me about family. I started smoking when I first found out that dad has other woman back in 2006, and still continues because of mom always raised her voice on us and cursing us saying all the bad things. That is how I grew up. It is the background of the family. I couldn't change that. It haunts me. Idiot me, I know. Don't tell me what is wrong and what is right. I needed to say what's inside now. I never shared about all my dreams, my future plans because I was once a failure. but lesson learnt. Allah told me that you can't have what you always want. Remember back in 2008 where I got good grades in SPM. not to mention I had mistakenly filled up my JPA forms. There it goes, I was going thru the hardest time in my life. Knowing you're ain't able to pursue your study overseas is killing me, because that is what I wanted most when I was in secondary school. So I sit back, doing nothing, not even have the strength to face the life, didn't want to continue study and let all the fates decide for me. That was then I discovered " ada, adalah, tak ada, sudah "

A year passed by in UiTM Shah Alam, all I did was playing around and didn't focus on my study. because why, 2008 gave me so much heartbreak. Not to mention about love life, I am a sucker for love. I don't know, love thingy doesn't work for me. Maybe because of my family, maybe because of that insecurities that higher than empire state in me. I sometimes doesn't believe in marriage. Because having kids will definitely give you so much pain, just look at my mom. I was always the bad, the idiot and the scumbag. Life is not easy, really. I wish I didn't have feelings. I wish life would be plain. But I wondered then, where all the bad stuffs that are good?

Present is a bestfriend. And future should be your lover. Being a student and doing part time job at a same time is not easy. Why I choose the life? Because letting yourself busy is probably the best way to get rid of all nonsense and bullahit. It's not the pay that I am really looking for. People say, every cloud has a silver lining. I managed to get the basketball referee certificate in age 21. That is another thing I wanted most. Isn't it amazing you're doing things you love? I'll do anything for the love of the game. Every sportsman feels the same way. And InshaAllah in near future I am going to get the coaching cert. Again, it is nothing I seek from doing these things I love besides satisfaction and pleasure and love for the game.

I don't want to share about my future plans, I have so many things to achieved, I am a big dreamer, there are so many things I wanted to do before I'm getting old. Having a career, having everything by your own is a total bliss, I know, I know. All I can say is I'm visualizing myself in the top most highest building in the world with the concrete jungle surrounded me. Living the fast life. Away from everyone, away from my family. Being alone and lonely is okay as long as you get what you wanted most in life. no?
Life? It goes on and on. Keep running, go rushing, because you're living in the fast life.

Sigh. Life as we know it.

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