The biggest fuck-face I've ever seen. it's you

Aku tak pernah hidup nak
menagih simpati dari orang lain.
Aku cukup sedar yang mana
ayah selalu pesan jangan
hidup tu sekali kali menyusahkan
orang lain kalau masih berkudrat.
Aku tak pernah nak jadi perempuan
yang banyak menceceh dan banyak
komplain nya untuk dari setiap sudut,
Aku faham perempuan itu rumit.
perempuan itu banyak kerenah nya
banyak mood swings nya.
Aku cuma jarang berkawan dengan
perempuan yang 'pussy'.
Bila mana ada orang yang asik
berpaut dan mengaduh aku rasa pelik.
Perempuan itu lemah?
perempuan itulah senjata paling kuat
bercakap menentang kebenaran.
Mungkin persekitaran kawan laki laki
yang ramai buat aku tak mudah
dan tak ada masa nak layan perempuan.
Kenapa fikiran perempuan itu rumit?
Mungkin nafsu sembilan akal satu itu.
Aku hidup pun berteraskan satu paksi
'I just don't live to please others'
Style aku begitu lah, rockstar, dan
benci pada perempuan yang bermekap tebal
dan bermuka muka.
Aku bukan benci, cuma, meluat.
oh tak ada siapa perfect?
yes yes. semua tak perfect,
biasa nya dalam dunia ni, kau boleh
letak kan semua salah pada aku.
Aku perempuan yang kuat dan tak lemah.
Aku tahu beza orang bodoh dan pandai.

baby :*

baby was trying so hard
making cute faces.
so cute. i love you, hun.

Northern light.

a bucket full of wish.
sitting with my love
beneath the northern light.
proposed me and kiss me on my forehead.
that wud be too much. lol.
I just wanted to see the
northern light before I die :)

Selamat hari raya :D !

A thousand miles
just to meet me on the
first day of Syawal ?
That is my real hero.
I love you so much baby.
Seeing your face on eid
really makes me happy :*
I love you.
Forgive me all my wrongdoings.
Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir and Batin :*
Those past months and counting
are the moment I treasured most baby.
I love you so much.
I love you so much that I would really love to say
that infinity to you.
It's like a massive feeling, a love that couldn't
compare with anything.
I love you.
I miss you so much too.
Hugs.
Thank you again for coming.
I'd really appreciate that baby <3>

I miss you baby

I am definitely 

missing you

so much hun.

hun, this one goes for you.

Thank you for everything hun.

Thank you for the past hundred and

forty one days spent together.

Thank you for accepting me for who I am.

Thank you for being such an inspiration for me.

Thank you for being there for me,

through my ups and down.

For you have seen all my fears and smiles,

thank you for accompany me these days.

Thank you for the love you had and always have

given me and I pretty sure I need it more.

Thank you for the forehead kiss, for the

promise to be with me until the end of time.

Thank you for not only being my lover,

but my bestfriend, my brother, my silly childish partner

and mostly my soulmate.

Thank you for hearing all my blabbers patiently 

standing strong with me.

Thank you for every single thing sayang.

I love you so much, Hadzraie.

You are the greatest thing that ever happen to me.

Atelophobia

Have you ever regret on 

something that you had done?

Honestly,

there's a thing I wish that it has 

an undo button.

Many things, I supposed.

It's like you fell like

mourning and crying your heart out.

I have the fear of imperfection. 

Not that I always wanted to be the best

in everything, 

it is just that what I've done in my past

has more or less give impacts on my future.

It affects my feelings and my thinking.

I think I should learn to expect, allow and accept.

Accepting is the hardest part of all.

It's hard to really accept what had past.

Your past is like a ghost,

it haunts you, it kills you. literally.

I don't know what future holds for me.

I never wanted to expect anything.

Knowing that someone would 

come into your life, accept you wholeheartedly

is more than enough. 

Life is not that easy.

And trust me, life is not that always beautiful.

Pretending that everything is okay

carving smiles on my face is

probably the best I can do.

I wished I laugh harder everyday 

and forget about everything that has happened.

I wished you would hold me tight,

and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Tell me, convincing me that I am doing good, doing great.

I wished you would love me endlessly 

and accept me for who I am.

cross your heart :)

summer

Kiss me hard before you go

Summertime sadness

I just wanted you to know

That, baby, you're the best.

you are my sun.

hey,
it's just the distance.
My heart don't matter.
I'm going no where,
I am here to stay.
Make it every month meeting
me here, okay baby?
I'll wait for you.
I love you.
Hugs.

"he's my sun, he shines me like diamond."

lana

It's just,

every word from 

most of her songs 

touches me.

For me, she is perfect.

amour

Mon amour, je sais que tu m'aimes aussi

Tu as besoin de moi

Tu as besoin de moi dans ta vie

Tu ne peux plus vivre sans moi

Et je mourrais sans toi

It feels like first time.

When I'm with you,

it feels like,

you know,

like the first time,

I fall in love. 

Thank you. 

You bring joy

to my life,

I love you baby.

diamond

:)

Get a life. Seriously

What I want most in life
is none of your concern.
Get a life.
I'm living a better
and happy life now.
I care nothing about you
anymore.
NOTHING.

stay

"Not really sure how to feel about it.

Something in the way you move

Makes me feel like I can't live without you.

It takes me all the way.

I want you to stay"

- Rihanna, Stay

I move on

Did I mention about
being single for the whole life?
I didn't.
Don't you want to be happy?
It's your choice, really.
I'm tired of being sad and blues and moody
everyday sitting alone and crying
about loosing someone you love.
So I choose to move on.
Pretty fast I know. Past relations are hard on me,
nobody stays.
Lesson learnt, don't hold on to something
that is no longer yours.
Who said moving on is hard?
There is always someone that can treat you right.

mana adil nya dunia?

ada ayah curang,
ada kekasih pun sama,
beritahu aku mana adil nya dunia?
beritahu aku semua orang tak sempurna.
sigh.

loyalty, commitment and honesty

It's not you, it's me.

It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear

You almost feel ashamed

That someone could be that important

That without them, you feel like nothing

No one will ever understand how much it hurts

You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you

And when it's over, and it's gone

You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back

So that you could have the good. - aggy

Life is so hard that sometimes you don't even know what you wanted most in your life. The other side of you wanted to have a better and promising future and the other half wanted the present. I am the one that could not synchronized those two things. Being me is not easy. I always have that insecurities in life. The downturns are sometimes killing me. Tell me about family. I started smoking when I first found out that dad has other woman back in 2006, and still continues because of mom always raised her voice on us and cursing us saying all the bad things. That is how I grew up. It is the background of the family. I couldn't change that. It haunts me. Idiot me, I know. Don't tell me what is wrong and what is right. I needed to say what's inside now. I never shared about all my dreams, my future plans because I was once a failure. but lesson learnt. Allah told me that you can't have what you always want. Remember back in 2008 where I got good grades in SPM. not to mention I had mistakenly filled up my JPA forms. There it goes, I was going thru the hardest time in my life. Knowing you're ain't able to pursue your study overseas is killing me, because that is what I wanted most when I was in secondary school. So I sit back, doing nothing, not even have the strength to face the life, didn't want to continue study and let all the fates decide for me. That was then I discovered " ada, adalah, tak ada, sudah "

A year passed by in UiTM Shah Alam, all I did was playing around and didn't focus on my study. because why, 2008 gave me so much heartbreak. Not to mention about love life, I am a sucker for love. I don't know, love thingy doesn't work for me. Maybe because of my family, maybe because of that insecurities that higher than empire state in me. I sometimes doesn't believe in marriage. Because having kids will definitely give you so much pain, just look at my mom. I was always the bad, the idiot and the scumbag. Life is not easy, really. I wish I didn't have feelings. I wish life would be plain. But I wondered then, where all the bad stuffs that are good?

Present is a bestfriend. And future should be your lover. Being a student and doing part time job at a same time is not easy. Why I choose the life? Because letting yourself busy is probably the best way to get rid of all nonsense and bullahit. It's not the pay that I am really looking for. People say, every cloud has a silver lining. I managed to get the basketball referee certificate in age 21. That is another thing I wanted most. Isn't it amazing you're doing things you love? I'll do anything for the love of the game. Every sportsman feels the same way. And InshaAllah in near future I am going to get the coaching cert. Again, it is nothing I seek from doing these things I love besides satisfaction and pleasure and love for the game.

I don't want to share about my future plans, I have so many things to achieved, I am a big dreamer, there are so many things I wanted to do before I'm getting old. Having a career, having everything by your own is a total bliss, I know, I know. All I can say is I'm visualizing myself in the top most highest building in the world with the concrete jungle surrounded me. Living the fast life. Away from everyone, away from my family. Being alone and lonely is okay as long as you get what you wanted most in life. no?
Life? It goes on and on. Keep running, go rushing, because you're living in the fast life.

Sigh. Life as we know it.

My Wedding Speech

:')